An Rong

M Train, Brooklyn Bound, 6:23 P.M.

I’m standing on a crowded M train, the train is pulling into Essex Street, the person in front of me gets up and a seat is opened up. In NYC, the idea of a seat during rush hour after a long day is like finding some money in your pocket that you didn’t know you had.

I am moving into my seat, im stuck between an orthodox Jewish Man and a Chinese woman eating an apple. As I get settled into my seat, the doors open, and a new crowd comes rushing in. I am celebrating my victory of getting a seat. However, right after I settled into my seat, I looked up, and there she was. A fairly attractive, 20-something female. I am conflicted, should i offer her my seat? I’m really not that tired. But would she think I’m trying to woo her? What if she’s a feminist, would that be degrading to her? What if i did offer her my seat, and she took it? I can’t start a conversation with a random girl on a train, she’s going to think i’m a creep or something. It’s like one of those win or lose situations. I can’t do one thing without losing another.

The M train’s gone over the bridge, the Jewish man gets off at Marcy Ave, I slide over to the next seat to be against the railings. The girl sees the open spot between myself and the Chinese woman eating her apple. The girl sits down next to me. It’s too late for me to do anything, I could have done it, but didn’t want to be creepy guy who tried to pick you up on the train. But if you, that girl on the M train this evening, who was fair skinned, black hair, black skirt with a cute white shirt that had some black and white design on it, an iphone headset with a messed up mic piece, a nice silver watch, and black flats, are to ever read this, i’m pretty sure you got creeped out that I remember all that.

But Hey, thank you for being alive.

You, beautiful, intellectual, tantalizing, Chinese Honey. I try and I try, maybe it’s the tongue of my ancestors you are unable to let go. Or the hate passed on from on ancestors. I understand our pain, this quest to be accepted. Neither side really understanding. I feel your pain, the burden of our mothers worry about our futures, the worry of our fathers to put food on the table. We both come from immigrant families, understand and respect each other’s struggle. Coming up from nothing, to hope we one day to become something. This new world that we fight so hard to be part of, I try to sway you to me, but I guess, we just can’t vibe on the struggle. I can pretend to understand your choice, why you chose the people who raped and bombed our lands, the people who ridiculed our fathers fathers father. Took away our dignity. The people who show us no respect, and mock us with their faces, their words of hate, and their taking of our lives, like it does not amount to anything. We say we believe things have changed for the better and we hope for a better future.

You think they are not capable anymore of this? They have taken their hate and began to give us their love, if that’s the case, I rather they hate us. They use to rape the women, now they love our women, in a way to conquest the world. They no longer care for more land. It is about what they can take away from us. So you, Beautiful, Intellectual, Tantalizing, Chinese, Honey, I will stand by you, and give you my support, but ask me to understand your choice, I can not.

You Learn- Jorge Luis Borges

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you being to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring your flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.

My critique professor read us this poem. It’s amazing to me how simple words could soothe so many different souls.

The Chinese have an expression for people like me. 花心 (Fa-Sum), or literally translated Flower hearted. In a way that flowers pollenate and move around and create each other, never really sticking with one partner.  However, I’m just guessing that could be a possible meaning.

My heart is easily swayed. I don’t know why, it is just in my nature.

In Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there was a line Jim Carey’s character Joel had said,

“Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?”

This movie was hard to follow, however, I never forgot that line, because it was as if it was me talking.  I guess what I am getting at, is, it’s hard to find love, when your heart can’t decide what it likes.  Maybe one day, my heart will stop floating around….

“The artist I believe in are those who eat and sleep their art.
They compulsively chip away at their statues, and this gives
value in both the short and long term.
They need to be lifers.

Somewhere along the way I somehow fell in love with my art-
making process.
After that, I just had to do
it. Sometimes I think I did it because I was incompetent at everything else.

Here are a few thoughts….

Know that others have gone where you wish to go.
Put “getting good” ahead of “making a living.”
Learn to be alone and to be your own best critic.
Cut back on impedimenta and outside distractions.
Work more hours than the average factory worker.
Notice interesting directions and go there again.
Become a perpetual student of your own progress.
Don’t expect too much help from anyone or anything.
Stick to your vision, but don’t fear change.
Do not be adverse to developing skills.
Know that raising standards has to be chronic.
Push on when you’re pushing your limits.
Know that marketing is easier when you have quality.
Know that quality is always in style.
Be curious about everything, including how you turn out.
If you fall in love, accept the gift, surrender.

Thriving is all about self-education. “Go to your room”, is my
advice that has had the most significant effect. Funnily, all
kinds of would-be lifers somehow neglect to do just that. ”